New Year…Zsa Zsa
Hey! You do not know me. Well, some of you do. But most of you know me as Godiva. Godiva Morte. Godiva Dahila Morte, Baroness of Strähnge, if you are feeling formal. And of course G.D. Morte, if you are sassy.
During what I will refer to as the Great Pause. I found myself in an interesting place as an artist. Which no doubt includes many performers. In this place, I was able to explore who and where I am as an artist. And explore what path I might be ready to walk down in this journey.
Let’s start at the beginning of my artist journey. Well, let’s start at the Burlesque part. In the beginning…
Godiva was created from pain.
5 years ago I was in a difficult place. My self-esteem was non-existent; I saw myself as someone unattractive and undeserving. Something deep, deep down told me this was not true, but I was going to need some severe convincing. I wanted to pull myself out of the dark place I felt myself sinking deeper into.
For years I wanted to explore Burlesque. It seemed to be something glamorous, sexy with a mix of goofy. And performers I admired seemed so confident and strong in their sense of self.
So in my searching for a lifeline out of the darkness. Burlesque seemed to be the perfect tool. What better way to convince myself I am an amazing, attractive, deserving bad ass, than to just be one? What better way than faking it.
That next payday, I found myself scrolling through Google. Austin Academy of Burlesque. Sounds about right, I thought. The following week, I was there. And I met, owner and head instructor, Miss Coco Lectric. From that first day, my life changed completely. Completely.
After some time, Coco became my BurlyMom and then my best friend. During those years together. I performed in Coco’s Mistress of Musicality productions with some many amazing performers. I began to develop a portfolio as a solo performer, while continuing to learn and grow under Coco’s training. As well as gaining an unique opportunity, to be a part of the life of an internationally known performer. Getting a look into the ins and outs of the industry. Getting amazing opportunities to meet those who came before all of us. Even having the privilege of them passing along their own tips and tricks.
As the years passed, I found myself in a place as a performer that Coco described as, “being good enough, to know what you are doing wrong”.
I felt the difference. I felt the confidence. I felt the change and appreciated what that change meant for my artistic journey.
And then the very unexpected, hit all of us.
There we all were. And there I was. Gigless. Isolated. As the months passed, I found myself more and more out of practice. Out of shape and lost. To add on, I received the news that my BurlyMom was taking an indefinite hiatus, in pursuit of her third Master’s degree. Leaving her overwhelmed and unavailable. Which for me, meant my friend was unavailable for Burlesque practice.
I began to run through existential questions. Where was I now as Godiva? Who was Godiva? Where was Godiva? These questions were already bubbling up in the back of mind, before the Great Pause.
I actually felt these questions starting to stir, when I felt the change in my skill level. In the time of my existential wandering, I was introduced to a book that changed everything for me artistically. Everything.
“Steal Like an Artist” by Austin Klein.
“Steal Like an Artist” was the spark I needed. One of the most impactful lessons in the book was about digging deeper into those who inspire your work. Consider who your creative influences are. And who inspired your inspirations? Then research.. In your research, you will be able to take away certain creative elements from them, to eventually develop your own artistic identity.
Quick summary. I could not suggest more; get the book for yourself. It’s simple, so minimal but such a huge impact.
To start, I sat down and wrote down my list:
Carmen Miranda, Elvira, Cyd Charisse, Divine, Eartha Kitt, Marlene Dietrich, Celia Cruz, Selena…heck, even Miss Piggy. Most recently in my life, Miss Coco Lectric. As she channeled her inspiration, Amalia Aguilar.
In dissecting my research, and evaluating my influences. I was able to identify their common traits, what attracted me to them and made them my inspirations.
These performers were strong, glamorous women, who carried themselves with unapologetic confidence. And undeniably strong heads on their shoulders. Most of them were women of color. Especially from the Latinx spectrum. And that lit the fire.
As a performer, I feared backlash. So I avoided expressing myself with any connection I had to where I came from and the culture. Just as in my personal life. Feeling backlash. Leading me to never learning to speak Spanish properly, because I was afraid to offend. Holding myself back from expressing myself fully, in a predominantly Spanish speaking community. And now I am holding myself back from expressing myself as an artist.
While working through this artist development exercise, I made the decision to stop being afraid. To stop holding myself back from full expression. I finally understood the direction I wanted to take my artwork. I finally understood who I wanted to study and why. I finally had a direction as an artist. And with that, I felt Godiva lovely let go of my hand. Then there I was. Standing on my own. I felt energetic, optimistic and free. But the feeling of being lost in my journey, remained.
And then they called my name.
Standing in a dream. Backstage, In the wings. I heard a stagehand from behind, call my name. “Zsa Zsa!” I turned toward the bright light. Suddenly my eyes opened and I was smiling.
That’s when I knew I was ready to continue my journey. Ready to continue the work Coco started with me. Her training finally made sense and clicked. And I was ready to say “Thank You” to Godiva. To express my gratitude to her, for being my lifeline out of the darkness. For holding my hand. For sharing her confidence with me, and showing me who I truly am.
I know my identity matters. I know my experiences matter. I know I am deserving of love. I know it’s okay to love. It’s even okay to smile. I know I am strong. I am fun, I am beautiful.
